In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
