Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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