i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
