i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
