I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
im having a threesome with these popsicles
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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