Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
