why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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