U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
