Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
