Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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