Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Randomize
