I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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