just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it hurts more in the daytime
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
