just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
