I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
