I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
How drunk are you?
Completed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
