The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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