did you get engaged???
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
