Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
