Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
