Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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