someone get that fucking seahorse.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
