So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
