i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
