i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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