do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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