Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
