You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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