She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
