did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
