My liver just broke up with me...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
