listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
