omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Enjoy the penises
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
