I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
we made out on top of his cat.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
