Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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