I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
im holly from the hills drunk
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
