You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
she peed on how many people?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
