I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
