So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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