she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
