nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize