I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It's just like the Real World with babies
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
