i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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