That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
