It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
