I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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