Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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