you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
