Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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