tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
