his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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