Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She said her name was "party"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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