i was rollin on her like bob the builder
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
