bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
did you just send me my own nude
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize