But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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