I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Randomize