Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
